My Boyfriend Loves Porn – What Should I Do?

Derek Johnson is a Certified Mental Health Professional and Certified Addiction Professional. Here he answers a question submitted by Ashley to All Experts, a website in the About group.

Date: 3/19/2007
Subject: porn
Question
ok, i am 15 years old and i have a bf that is 19…in the past year or so, i have noticed that he has been watching alot of porn…every time i catch it on his computer we get into a huge argument and i really hate it. he doesnt feel bad about it at all while im makeing a huge fuss out of it because i feel as if he is looking at other women because i am not good enough. he tells me its not like that at all, that it is just a quick way to get his urge over with…should i be upset or just let him continue to do it and let myself get hurt?

Answer
…Unfortunately porn has become something that is more and more accepted in the world today. Men, and some women, think it is something to be thought of as “normal” and acceptable and even healthy!
Nothing could be further from the truth… Porn is as addictive as some drugs. This is because an orgasm releases the exact same chemicals in the pleasure center of the brain that heroin does… [Porn] causes them to see women as objects for their personal gratification and not as beautiful creations to be loved. Often the man wants the woman to act out what he sees in the movies.
You are responding as almost all women do that email me on this subject. Women internalize the man viewing porn as if there was something wrong with them. It is not true. You are fine… You appear wise by not wanting this in your life. I would be highly cautious having a relationship [with] this man if porn has been such a part of his life… You do not want to marry a porn addict and then suffer the consequences for years to come.

www.counselingfoundation.com

Derek

See also:

Salon: Porn Isolates its Users, Erodes Civility and Love
…whether you approve of porn in theory or not, its effect will be to displace [the mate of the porn addict]. Like crack, it tends to take over, to push out other hungers that tend to nurture the human community by making us dependent on one another. Since we are dependent on each other we must be civil and loving. If we are not dependent on each other then we needn’t be civil and loving. We needn’t have community and family. That is the way in which any drug breaks down family and community by isolating its user. Porn isolates its users also, meeting their needs outside the social compact. The social compact becomes a commercial compact between anonymous people, while those in the actual human community are relegated to bystander status. It introduces a third party into the erotic economy of a relationship…

Testimony in Minneapolis: Porn and the Death Spiral of a Marriage
…we would have incredible arguments with each other. I
would tell him I loved him, I only wanted to love him, I wanted to be a
good wife, I wanted our marriage to work, but I didn’t want to be with
these other people. It was he I wanted to be with, and no one else. He
told me if I loved him I would do this. And that, as I could see from
the things that he read me in the magazines initially, a lot of times
women didn’t like it, but if I tried it enough I would probably like
it, and I would learn to like it. And he would read me stories where
women learned to like it.

Young New Yorkers Talk about Porn’s Effect on their Relationships (explicit language)
They have since broken up, and have stopped talking. “He was a lot more
innocent when he was younger,” she says. “He was looking for love and
companionship. Now he just wants a good lay. I’m sure he’s looking for
some huge-breasted, tight-assed bitch…” These days, she feels “very
jaded about love and sex,” but every so often, she finds her cynicism
dissolving… “I think it will be really rare, and hopefully it will
happen, that I can meet a guy who will be happy with only me.”

Time to Explore the Links Between Porn, Testosterone, Sexual Behavior and Violence
Pornographers achieve this combination of a high number of mindbody
links and maximum drug/hormone release by mixing sexual images with
male dominance, aggression and violent images intended to shock and
stimulate simultaneously. Porn scenes ranging from simple “male in
control” to aggression, rape, torture and murder, abound in Internet
porn geared to the male viewer.

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