The National Domestic Violence Hotline website describes the characteristics of domestic violence and abuse:
WHAT IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.
Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure or wound someone…
You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if your partner:
* Calls you names, insults you or continually criticizes you…
* Punishes you by withholding affection…
* Expects you to ask permission…
* Humiliates you in any way…You may be in a physically abusive relationship if your partner has ever:…
* Pushed, slapped, bitten, kicked or choked you…
* Used a weapon to threaten or hurt you…
* Used physical force in sexual situationsYou may be in a sexually abusive relationship if your partner:
* Views women as objects and believes in rigid gender roles…
* Wants you to dress in a sexual way.
* Insults you in sexual ways or calls you sexual names.
* Has ever forced or manipulated you into to having sex or performing sexual acts…
* Involved other people in sexual activities with you.
* Ignored your feelings regarding sex…Does your partner:
* Embarrass you with put-downs?…
* Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it?…TEENS AND DATING VIOLENCE
Dating violence is a pattern of controlling behaviors that one partner uses to get power over the other, and it includes:
* Any kind of physical violence or threat of physical violence to get control
* Emotional or mental abuse, such as playing mind games, making you feel crazy, or constantly putting you down or criticizing you
* Sexual abuse, including making you do anything you don’t want to, refusing to have safe sex or making you feel badly about yourself sexuallyDoes your boyfriend:
* …[blame] you for “making” him/her treat you badly?…
* Try to control you by being bossy, not taking your opinion seriously or making all of the decisions about who you see, what you wear, what you do, etc.?
* Talk negatively about people in sexual ways or talk about sex like it’s a game or contest?…FRIENDS & FAMILY
Yes, it is your business
…Say something. If you don’t, your silence is the same as saying abuse is ok…He May Not Like It
He may not listen. He may get enraged, deny it, ignore you or make excuses. He may want to talk about what she did to him. He may even laugh it off or make fun of you. Still, you need to say something. Your silence is the same as saying you approve…
How can I help a friend or family member who is being abused?
Don’t be afraid to let him or her know that you are concerned for their safety. Help your friend or family member recognize the abuse. Tell him or her you see what is going on and that you want to help. Help them recognize that what is happening is not “normal” and that they deserve a healthy, non-violent relationship…
ABUSE IN AMERICA
* 4 million American women experience a serious assault by a partner during an average 12-month period.
* On the average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends every day.
* 92% of women say that reducing domestic violence and sexual assault should be at the top of any formal efforts taken on behalf of women today.
* 1 out of 3 women around the world has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime.
* 1 in 5 female high school students reports being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner. Abused girls are significantly more likely to get involved in other risky behaviors. They are 4 to 6 times more likely to get pregnant and 8 to 9 times more likely to have tried to commit suicide.
* 1 in 3 teens report knowing a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, slapped, choked or physically hurt by his/her partner.
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Many of the characteristics of abusive relationships (derogatory names, violence, domination, lack of respect, lack of consent) are found in today’s porn. Here are some of the movies (PDF) sold by Capital Video:
Gangbang Sluts
Office Slut Gangbang
Use Em’ Abuse Em’ & Lose Em’ #9
Ride along as we pick up ordinary young women f***’em senseless and dump’em! It’s all good clean fun!
Monique on the Sly
You never know who your friends really are until you’re at a big horny no-holes-barred birthday party with them. First come the hors d’ouevres [sic] then come the whores.
Here is material from some of the magazines sold by Capital Video:
Magazine: World of Black Bondage
Article: ONCE A Slave…
“Because this babe has a submissive personality and a heart-shaped behind, she makes the perfect slave. Be that as it may, she got the notion into her pretty head that she wanted to play dom.
“Well, her man quickly disabused her of the idea that she could dominate him. He got rough, took away her leather paddle, threw her onto the bed and tied her into a series of strict positions.”
Photo Caption: “The look in her eyes tells us that she would like this bondage session to end pretty soon. Forget it, girl!”
Photo Caption: “Her Master has told her, ‘Don’t you dare move.’ She’s finding that immobility is in itself a form of torture.'”
Photo Caption: “Because her body is beginning to ache, she writhes on the carpet. It makes watching her even more arousing.”
Photo Caption: “Tied to the post, Tracy takes a fearful whipping.”
—————
At Bookends, a large porn shop in Enfield, we found more material that emphasized violence, domination, lack of consent, and manipulation of the victim:
“YEEOWWCH! STOP IT!!” I screamed and shot a hand back to protect my
blazing behind. David’s failure to concede to my pleas or to say a word
in reply scared me to death!…
“OUCH! Y-YES DAVID! AND I AM SORRY!! REALLY I AM!! OWWWW!”
“Not
as sorry as you’re going to be!… Maybe you’ll listen to me next time
and not act like a spoiled brat… I love and respect you,
Allison…but I won’t stand by and let you do something dangerous and
stupid. Do you hear me?”…
—-
I hate being discipline spanked, but I can honestly say I earned every
one of them…like when I’d foolishly let my car run out of gas… This
time I knew I had gotten myself into even bigger trouble…
I snuggled into Rich’s arms, returning his affections, and promised not to do anything to make him spank me so hard again.
As
much as I hate spankings, this is one of my favorite times. The
punishment is over, all is forgiven, and the man I love has shown me
that he loves me and cares for me…
—-
[T]o the delight of the frenzied mob of young & old fans who’d just
love to see her so shamed, The Shadow…blows Angie’s plan by ambushing
her from behind & dragging her right to the manly man who is ready,
eager & more than able to turn her over his muscular thigh &
give her saucy seat six good whacks that tame the fiery female &
have her singing a totally different tune when she’s finally released
& forced to apologize to all.”
I agree that porn can be painful to relationships and am in no way supportive of abuse, but we really need to take actual B&D and S&M practicers into consideration.
Some people are sadists and some are masochists. When done right, in the bedroom, dominance and submission can be very sexy and show a level of trust. Some people get off to pain. As long as both partners have discussed everything and both feel comfortable and are SSC.
Safe. Sane. Consentual.
Sexual sadists and masochists, dominants and submissives, can be of either gender. These fetishes have no specific gender. I know just as many female sadists as male sadists.
When a practice is truly safe and consensual, I agree that it’s less troubling. Our issue with porn is that it commonly sends messages that women can and should be persuaded to enjoy extreme or abusive practices, that women like to be treated rough, even if they protest initially. Sometimes the quality of the consent of the porn performers themselves is in question.
While in real life there may be plenty of female sadists, the fact is that in top selling porn films, the person on the receiving end of aggression is usually a woman.
Please see these articles:
Testimony in Minneapolis: Porn and the Death Spiral of a Marriage
…we would have incredible arguments with each other. I
would tell him I loved him, I only wanted to love him, I wanted to be a
good wife, I wanted our marriage to work, but I didn’t want to be with
these other people. It was he I wanted to be with, and no one else. He
told me if I loved him I would do this. And that, as I could see from
the things that he read me in the magazines initially, a lot of times
women didn’t like it, but if I tried it enough I would probably like
it, and I would learn to like it. And he would read me stories where
women learned to like it.
Testimony in Massachusetts: My Experiences with Men, Porn and Domestic Abuse (explicit)
He tied me up and blew strawfuls of cocaine up into my nose and then
would rape me. He read this in a porn magazine that said that coke
would turn women on and I would not take the coke willingly. He wanted
me to do the things he saw the people in the movies do, like have sex
with other people, other couples, and especially with other women. He
wanted to come home and find me having sex with women like on the
tapes. He told me that this was one of his biggest fantasies, and he
tried to convince me that it was mine as well. He told me that if I
felt guilty about it, he would tie me up and I could pretend it wasn’t
my fault.
Statement of Rev. Susan Wilhelm: “…the sex became especially abusive after he started using pornography” (explicit language)
He exposed me to the pornography, too. Once we saw an X-rated film that
showed anal intercourse. After that, he pressed me to try it. I agreed
to once, but found the experience very painful. He kept trying
periodically. He told me my vagina had become as sloppy as an old sow’s
and he could not get pleasure any other way. He also used to pinch and
bite me. When I said “it hurts,” he would say, “no, it doesn’t.” I
became numb. I lost track of my own feelings. One time, he said in
reference to himself sexually, “it’s supposed to hurt.”
Northampton Shelter Coordinators: Porn a Factor in Many Cases of Domestic Abuse
Tina’s boyfriend would watch the same x-rated movie repeatedly and then
force her to reenact the kinky things he saw. Or he’d go to strip bars.
“He used to come back from these shows and I was terrified,” she said. “He forced me to have sex.”
It took Tina two years to marshal enough courage and self-esteem to
leave him. She said that for her boyfriend the line between fantasy and
real life was distorted by pornography.
Roz Cuomo, the administrative coordinator at Necessities/Necesidades,
the Northampton battered women’s shelter, said pornography is a factor
in many cases of domestic abuse.
“People say pornography doesn’t hurt anyone. Real women are being tied
up to produce this. Men seeing it think it’s all right,” Cuomo said…
Punishment Porn: “Whether-She-Wants-It-Or-Not” (explicit)
[T]o the delight of the frenzied mob of young & old fans who’d just
love to see her so shamed, The Shadow…blows Angie’s plan by ambushing
her from behind & dragging her right to the manly man who is ready,
eager & more than able to turn her over his muscular thigh &
give her saucy seat six good whacks that tame the fiery female &
have her singing a totally different tune when she’s finally released
& forced to apologize to all.”
Testimony
in Minneapolis: “Pornography is probably the most extreme example of
anti-women socialization that men receive in this society”
If you look at a lot of pornography, it shows women being beaten,
humiliated, tied up. It shows women tied and stabbed, poked, prodded
and abused by devices, assaulted by several men or animals, and many
ugly and degrading things. When you see a woman being battered, you see
a lot of the same ugliness and violence at the same time. Not only do
they portray women as liking and deserving this sexual abuse, it shows
them as enjoying it, deserving it. And that is what one of the great
myths of battery is, is that women deserve to be battered and that they
enjoy it. If they didn’t like it, they wouldn’t stay…
Testimony in Minneapolis: With Growth of Porn, Rapists Show Less Remorse
[L]iterally hundreds of women have mentioned to me the anger and
despair they feel when their husbands, lovers, or other male partners
press upon them specific sexual acts which these men learned from
pornographic materials–acts of bestiality, sodomy, “swinging”, forced
group sex, etc. The men feel such pressure on women is acceptable
because porn is acceptable, and pornography was the so-called
“educational” source…
[T]he work of Dr. Natalie Shainess (psychiatrist of New York) and Dr.
Frank Osanka [sic] (psychologist and child-abuse specialist, Chicago)
show that convicted rapists who, even five to seven years ago,
expressed remorse about their acts of violence, recently show no such
remorse and often cite as a reason for their guiltlessness that
“everyone knows women want to be raped; all the porn stuff proves that.”
Robert
Jensen: When Examining Complex Social Phenomena, Scientific Method Has
Limits; Listen to the Stories of the Victims (explicit language)
“I know all about you bitches, you’re no different; you’re like all of
them. I seen it in all the movies. You love being beaten. (He then
began punching the victim violently.) I just seen it again in that
flick. He beat the shit out of her while he raped her and she told him
she loved it; you know you love it; tell me you love it…” [Silbert
and Pines, 1984, p.864]
Martin Amis: “A rough trade” (explicit)
Regan Starr who worked on the second film in this “line”, Rough Sex
2… “I got the shit kicked out of me,” she said. “I was told before
the video–and they said this very proudly, mind you–that in this line
most of the girls start crying because they’re hurting so bad…. I
couldn’t breathe. I was being hit and choked. I was really upset, and
they didn’t stop. They kept filming. You can hear me say, ‘Turn the
fucking camera off’, and they kept going.”
POOR GIRLS…AWWWWWW
Kudos! What a neat way of tikhnnig about it.