Through the Flame: "Life with a Porn Addict"
Posted by NPNAdmin at 4/29/2008 10:53 AM 
Categories: Impact of Porn, Marriage, Porn Addiction, What You Can Do
Categories: Impact of Porn, Marriage, Porn Addiction, What You Can Do
We are pleased to republish this post from a forum at ThroughtheFlame.org. While this is a fictional account, it conveys the impact of porn addiction on spouses all too well...
Life with a PA – the Dark Side of the Moon
A short(ish) fictional journey with the spouse of a PA
By FairyG
We’ve just had yet another argument over his use of porn, and I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m going insane with so many conflicting thoughts and emotions inside my head: anger, betrayal, love, compassion, self-loathing, fear, misery… will I lose my mind first, or my relationship? Why am I not good enough for him? How do I get him to hear me? How can he keep betraying me and not caring?
I’ve tried to tell him so many times how I feel about it, hoping he might do something to change. How many arguments have we had about this? I’ve lost count. I’ve cried more tears over it than I have anything or anyone else in my lifetime. Each time, he is obviously upset over my tears, and each time he “promises” to change…but he doesn’t for very long.
I thought he had really got rid of it last time. He seemed ok, he seemed to be making an effort. But I was wrong. I trusted him – and he betrayed me.
I never thought I was that ugly, that I was undesirable, but I guess I must be – all he wants to look at is women who don’t look anything like me. He says he likes small chests, but that’s not what I see him looking at. He says he likes my figure, but the women he looks at don’t have figures like mine. He says “I married you, didn’t I?”. Yeah, he married me…but he doesn’t want me. Not that he says that, but that’s the message I get loud and clear: I’m just useful when he can’t have porn. I’m boring, imperfect, not good enough. The women he sees in movies and pictures are all much more beautiful than me with their perfect bodies. They do things I detest. They’re horrid, vile people, and I hate them all…but they look and act so perfect. I used to think if I looked more like them, maybe he’d like me instead. But now I’m not so sure. I’ve tried the skimpy underwear, I’ve tried being more adventurous in bed, I’ve tried positions that would make a yoga instructor wince – but he still doesn’t want me. Maybe if I get a boob job and liposuction…but I’m scared to do that, because what if he still doesn’t want me? Then I’ll know it’s really “just me” that’s all wrong, that I really am just a worthless person in his eyes. He says he loves me, but how do I believe that?
I found out this time because I had to use his computer: ignorance may have been bliss. But I saw some of the stuff that he’d saved: saved – all since I thought he had made an effort to get rid of it. And the urls that flashed up while I was typing in the website address I wanted to go to didn’t look very tame either. So I checked his internet history – and things looked pretty much the same as they always did before he cleared his bookmarks (which are back again too) and “made an effort” – what gives?! Was this a one-off slip I was seeing the results of? Didn’t look like it. So, he was lying to me when he said he was making an effort. He’s getting more into it. Perhaps he did try for a while, but not any more. Is his relationship with the images (and people?!?!?!) online more important to him than his relationship with his wife and family in reality? Is there any point in me going on (and on!)? Does he even care about my feelings in this affair? Or is it all about his affairs with porn? This behaviour is completely incongruous with the man I thought I knew.
When I confronted him it all got turned around and it seemed like I was the one with the problem. This always happens: I was snooping; it wasn’t as bad as it looked; I should remember that all guys need stuff like this and that most women are ok with it – it’s about giving him variety; making sure we don’t stagnate; a “non-affair” way of making sure that he gets enough physical release to not need an affair. He has a high libido; I don’t understand his needs. He needs the variety; the visual stimulation; the excitement. And anyway, the saved folder was open because he was going to delete it because I made such a fuss last time, but he forgot it was there; plus he didn’t even look at most of those web pages…
It’s not FAIR! Why do I end up feeling doubly bad after talking to him? Why is there no one I can talk to about this?
He said he went back to it the last time because he was angry at me.
He was angry at me.
I was tired of fighting over being hurt by his porn use, and wasn’t handling being frustrated myself – I have needs too, but it’s not like I can express them with THAT as competition – so I got angry at him for something stupid and unrelated. Ok, so I didn’t deal with my anger well, and if it’s any consolation I felt awful about it for a long time afterwards. But no, on second thoughts I don’t think he does deserve any consolation, because there is nothing he could do to make me angry enough to do something to hurt him as much as that – even if I DID think he would never find out! His use of porn makes me angrier than I ever thought possible. But have I sworn at him, have I physically lashed out at him, have I broken his computer, have I done anything to deliberately hurt him in return, have I stormed out and demanded he give up “or else”, have I given him a “porn or me” ultimatum - yet? No! So what gives him the right to hurt me and our relationship like that?
Well, I have done I guess, by taking it. However, no more…I will not, I CAN not, take this any more.
How do I keep us going? How do I get him to see what he’s doing to us? I love him so much…but I don’t want to live like this.
On the one hand there’s this great guy who I fell in love with all those years ago and loved more each day since then – he’s loving, gentle, kind, respectful, faithful, truthful, sensitive, honourable, compassionate, spiritual, intelligent, honouring...the list goes on. I love him so much, I KNOW he’s a good person. I don’t want to lose that person. How can I not love and trust this man? He is a good man, I’m sure of it.
But on the other hand there’s this guy who is controlled by his body to the point where he regularly masturbates over pictures and movies of other people in explicit and demeaning situations – he doesn’t seem to want or even try to control his urges! He’ll use porn in preference to getting intimate with me…and he doesn’t see anything wrong with this! How can I love and trust this man? Is he addicted, is that why porn controls him like it does?
It seems he can’t wait for me to go out of the house, can’t wait for some time alone with his computer. He avoids family stuff because he’s “too tired” or “has a lot of work to do”…so I will be killing myself to look after our family, our house, our relationship and he will be using the time I’m spending on him and others to look at porn. We’ll make dates to have time together…but he’s usually too “tired and stressed”. But I know he’d have been looking at porn all afternoon while I was working, instead of getting work done himself to be free for our date.
I know all this because now I’m this miserable, lonely, paranoid person, who checks his internet history every chance I get. I’m jealous, controlling, emotional, suspicious. I hate to leave him alone to go shopping or go to bed early or watch tv without him. I can’t even take a shower in peace without knowing what he’ll be looking at as long as he can hear the water running. Even when I don’t check his computer, I still KNOW when he’s been looking: he acts differently, he looks different, he just seems…different. He pushes me away emotionally, puts barriers up, won’t talk to me.
Who can I turn to? I can’t tell my friends, my family – they might judge him for being a pervert and I don’t want to give him that label…or maybe they’d judge me, for being a prude!
I feel like an uptight freak, alone in the world.
My world is crumbling, and I am lost.
I am confused, I am in pain.
I love him, I hate this.
What will it take for me to be all he needs?
I don’t know how to cope with this any more. I’m completely in the dark. I feel numb and broken, and I don’t know how to feel right again. I can’t sleep, I can’t relax – I’ve been awake for days now. I want to lash out physically, emotionally and mentally and hurt him so badly. I simply cannot even begin to fathom how to reconcile the different parts of him with the different parts of me any more. I don’t know how to go on.
I don’t want to back out of our relationship. I made a vow, and I want to stick to it no matter what. But he has broken his vow. Our marriage is built on a lie. Do I really know this man? His reliance on porn is tearing me apart, breaking my heart and shattering my world. I feel like I hate him sometimes…and in doing so I am hating myself, killing myself with my anger, because he is a part of me. Why am I in this position? I want to scream “it’s not fair” and make him give a damn – but there’s no point, he doesn't listen. I feel like I’m drowning in my misery. I can’t live like this. Surely there is a way through this?
He is a husband, a father, a lover, a friend. Why will he not step into these roles and leave the porn that threatens them…does he really not want to be part of this family unit?! I am his wife, wanting to restore fidelity and respect for the sanctity of our marriage, willing to do almost anything to help him…and yet he doesn’t seem interested in me or our relationship.
Do I give him one more chance before I leave? Before I go insane?
I love him. I hate this. I am becoming numb.
I have no one to talk to, I have nothing left in me to give.
I hate who I have become. I cannot continue to live like this.
What do I do now?
Where do I turn?
The source of the problem, the internet…maybe there is help here as well?
Through The Flame - Stop internet porn addiction – Get help in overcoming porn addiction
I am not alone, we CAN get through this!
See also:
'Through the Flame' Online Forums Support People Recovering from Porn Addiction
Now Showing at Amazing.net: The War on Relationships (explicit)
Amazing.net is jealous of your human relationships.
It wants your attention and money for itself. With messages subtle or not, its movies encourage you to neglect and abuse your intimate partners, especially your female ones. If you must relate to another human, Amazing.net wants the experience to be exploitative, short and unstable, to better ensure your swift return to a porn-hungry state. These strategies appear to be working. At a 2003 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, two-thirds of the 350 divorce lawyers who attended said Internet porn contributed to more than half of the divorce cases they handled...
Grudge
Man. Woman. The eternal struggle. Grudge. Hold one today. The first look. The approach. The conversation. The tease. The first kiss. Sex. Love? The commitment. You move in together. Sex every day in every room in every position. Life. Work. Soon the sex becomes routine a part of life. Then it becomes work. Until that new first look. That new tease. But with a new person. And what to do with the old? Four people fall into love. But do they stay... or do they stray?
Married, Yes... Dead No
Harry and Annie are newlyweds. But Annie has a sexy secret she is keeping from her husband.. Shes a nymphomaniac! When Harry goes to a party at a friends house who does he discover is the entertainment? His lovely new wife and twoof her sexy friends! Fun for all is the order of the day!
Screw My Wife 32: And Make Her Sweat Like A Pig
Letting somebody else screw your wife means more TV time for you! Oh and make her sweat like a pig please!
Screw My Wife Please #35 - She's So Naughty
Why go to all of the hassle of foreplay and having to make love to your wife when you can sit back watch some porn studs nail your wife and jerk off to your heart's content!
Screw My Wife Please #53
She gets an orgasm from a professional... You don't have to cuddle... It's a win win situation!
Now on Sale at Amazing.net (explicit language)
Deviant Housewives
In this world nothing lasts forever and it looks like Kelly Erikson's husband Van needs some space. Kelly decides to invite all her friends going thru the same problems to stay and support each other. But all of Kelly's friends have an empty void in their lives they need filled and it's from a younger man!...
The Impact of Internet Pornography on Marriage and the Family: A Review of the Research
...according to data from the General Social Survey in 2000 (N = 531), people who report being happily married are 61 percent less likely to report using Internet pornography compared to those who also used the Internet and who had completed the General Social Survey in 2000...
Whitty (2003) also found that both men and women perceive online sexual activity as an act of betrayal that is as authentic and real as offline acts and that Internet pornography use correlated significantly with emotional infidelity (N = 1,117; 468 males and 649 females)...
Porn Use Correlates with Infidelity, Prostitution, Aggression, Rape-Supportive Beliefs
In 2004, researchers also reported in Social Science Quarterly that "Individuals who have had an extramarital affair are 3.18 times more likely to have used Internet pornography than individuals who did not have affairs."
Infidelity: A Widespread Practice with Lasting Harm; Promoted by Adult Enterprises
Recent surveys have estimated that as many as six in 10 married couples have had at least one unfaithful partner...
...the agonies of infidelity are universal: the humiliation of having one's private life exposed; the fear that infidelity will happen again; the loss of trust that takes years to restore...
"Flashbacks can go on for years and years..."
"People need to understand," [Yale University psychologist Janis Abrahms] Spring says, "that it takes a good year and a half after the affair has been revealed and contact with the object of that affair has been terminated for the anguish and the anger to subside. During that time, the couple has to expect a roller coaster ride of emotions...
Survey: Faithfulness is the No. 1 Key to Making a Marriage Work (explicit language)
On July 1, the Pew Research Center released a detailed survey about American attitudes towards marriage and childraising. What particularly caught our eye was what the public believes is key to making a marriage work--faithfulness tops the charts, with over 90% saying it's "very important to a successful marriage".
"Spousal Use of Pornography and Its Clinical Significance for Asian-American Women"
Abusive Relationships and Porn: The Similarities (explicit language)
Effects of Prolonged Consumption of Pornography on Family Values; Women's Desire to Have Daughters Plummets
Pornography consumption had a most powerful effect on evaluations of the desirability and viability of marriage. Endorsement of marriage as an essential institution dropped from 60.0% in the control groups to 38.8% in the treatment groups...
A Review of Pornified: How Pornography Is Damaging Our Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families
Many of Paul's interview subjects said porn use made them more judgmental of their real-life sex partners. One thrice-divorced 34-year-old subject, who had been watching porn since age 10, said that he would break up with any woman who wouldn't give him the kind of pleasure he saw men getting in porn films. If the woman takes too long to reach orgasm, or doesn't enjoy swallowing semen, she's history. (pp.92-93) Other young men said they wanted their girlfriends to be "slutty" and submissive. (p.94)
Influence of Porn on Sex Practices: Dispatches from the Field (explicit language)
Jezebel is a busy website devoted to "Celebrity, Sex, Fashion. Without airbrushing". It's a Gawker property and hardly a bastion of anti-porn sentiment. Here are excerpts from a December 12 post, "How About You Don't Ask To Come On My Face On The First Date?", followed by selected comments from Jezebel readers...
Sarahmc: Men are so focussed on what's happening in porn, they are no longer able to get hot over the living, breathing woman right in front of them. Porn has completely skewed men's expectations of sex, of women, of relationships...
My Boyfriend Loves Porn - What Should I Do?
You do not want to marry a porn addict and then suffer the consequences for years to come.
Testimony in Minneapolis: Porn and the Death Spiral of a Marriage
About this time, when we went out we started meeting his friends at wet T-shirt contests, amateur strip nights or elsewhere--we would meet together as a group--or pornographic adult theaters or live sex shows. Initially I started arguing that the women on stage looked very devastated, like they were disgusted and hated it. I felt devastated and disgusted watching it. I was told by those men, if I wasn't as smart as I was, and if I would be more sexually liberated and more sexy, that I would get along a lot better in the world, and that they and a lot of other men would like me more...
Following this, we would have incredible arguments with each other. I would tell him I loved him, I only wanted to love him, I wanted to be a good wife, I wanted our marriage to work, but I didn't want to be with these other people. It was he I wanted to be with, and no one else. He told me if I loved him I would do this. And that, as I could see from the things that he read me in the magazines initially, a lot of times women didn't like it, but if I tried it enough I would probably like it, and I would learn to like it. And he would read me stories where women learned to like it.
Statement of Rev. Susan Wilhelm: "...the sex became especially abusive after he started using pornography" (explicit language)
Laurie Hall, An Affair of the Mind
Over the years, I've spoken with other women who have had similar experiences. They tried extra hard to be attractive to their husbands; but the year-after-year battering of constant comparisons with other women and the continual attack on their desirability as a sexual partner wounded their spirits to such a point that they gave up and became the exact opposite of the firm, gorgeous, beautifully made-up women their husbands kept trying to force them to become. Ironic, isn't it, how pornography creates the exact opposite in real life of what it promises in fantasy life?
Young New Yorkers Talk about Porn's Effect on their Relationships (explicit language)
“I think it will be really rare, and hopefully it will happen, that I can meet a guy who will be happy with only me.”
Life with a PA – the Dark Side of the Moon
A short(ish) fictional journey with the spouse of a PA
By FairyG
We’ve just had yet another argument over his use of porn, and I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m going insane with so many conflicting thoughts and emotions inside my head: anger, betrayal, love, compassion, self-loathing, fear, misery… will I lose my mind first, or my relationship? Why am I not good enough for him? How do I get him to hear me? How can he keep betraying me and not caring?
I’ve tried to tell him so many times how I feel about it, hoping he might do something to change. How many arguments have we had about this? I’ve lost count. I’ve cried more tears over it than I have anything or anyone else in my lifetime. Each time, he is obviously upset over my tears, and each time he “promises” to change…but he doesn’t for very long.
I thought he had really got rid of it last time. He seemed ok, he seemed to be making an effort. But I was wrong. I trusted him – and he betrayed me.
I never thought I was that ugly, that I was undesirable, but I guess I must be – all he wants to look at is women who don’t look anything like me. He says he likes small chests, but that’s not what I see him looking at. He says he likes my figure, but the women he looks at don’t have figures like mine. He says “I married you, didn’t I?”. Yeah, he married me…but he doesn’t want me. Not that he says that, but that’s the message I get loud and clear: I’m just useful when he can’t have porn. I’m boring, imperfect, not good enough. The women he sees in movies and pictures are all much more beautiful than me with their perfect bodies. They do things I detest. They’re horrid, vile people, and I hate them all…but they look and act so perfect. I used to think if I looked more like them, maybe he’d like me instead. But now I’m not so sure. I’ve tried the skimpy underwear, I’ve tried being more adventurous in bed, I’ve tried positions that would make a yoga instructor wince – but he still doesn’t want me. Maybe if I get a boob job and liposuction…but I’m scared to do that, because what if he still doesn’t want me? Then I’ll know it’s really “just me” that’s all wrong, that I really am just a worthless person in his eyes. He says he loves me, but how do I believe that?
I found out this time because I had to use his computer: ignorance may have been bliss. But I saw some of the stuff that he’d saved: saved – all since I thought he had made an effort to get rid of it. And the urls that flashed up while I was typing in the website address I wanted to go to didn’t look very tame either. So I checked his internet history – and things looked pretty much the same as they always did before he cleared his bookmarks (which are back again too) and “made an effort” – what gives?! Was this a one-off slip I was seeing the results of? Didn’t look like it. So, he was lying to me when he said he was making an effort. He’s getting more into it. Perhaps he did try for a while, but not any more. Is his relationship with the images (and people?!?!?!) online more important to him than his relationship with his wife and family in reality? Is there any point in me going on (and on!)? Does he even care about my feelings in this affair? Or is it all about his affairs with porn? This behaviour is completely incongruous with the man I thought I knew.
When I confronted him it all got turned around and it seemed like I was the one with the problem. This always happens: I was snooping; it wasn’t as bad as it looked; I should remember that all guys need stuff like this and that most women are ok with it – it’s about giving him variety; making sure we don’t stagnate; a “non-affair” way of making sure that he gets enough physical release to not need an affair. He has a high libido; I don’t understand his needs. He needs the variety; the visual stimulation; the excitement. And anyway, the saved folder was open because he was going to delete it because I made such a fuss last time, but he forgot it was there; plus he didn’t even look at most of those web pages…
It’s not FAIR! Why do I end up feeling doubly bad after talking to him? Why is there no one I can talk to about this?
He said he went back to it the last time because he was angry at me.
He was angry at me.
I was tired of fighting over being hurt by his porn use, and wasn’t handling being frustrated myself – I have needs too, but it’s not like I can express them with THAT as competition – so I got angry at him for something stupid and unrelated. Ok, so I didn’t deal with my anger well, and if it’s any consolation I felt awful about it for a long time afterwards. But no, on second thoughts I don’t think he does deserve any consolation, because there is nothing he could do to make me angry enough to do something to hurt him as much as that – even if I DID think he would never find out! His use of porn makes me angrier than I ever thought possible. But have I sworn at him, have I physically lashed out at him, have I broken his computer, have I done anything to deliberately hurt him in return, have I stormed out and demanded he give up “or else”, have I given him a “porn or me” ultimatum - yet? No! So what gives him the right to hurt me and our relationship like that?
Well, I have done I guess, by taking it. However, no more…I will not, I CAN not, take this any more.
How do I keep us going? How do I get him to see what he’s doing to us? I love him so much…but I don’t want to live like this.
On the one hand there’s this great guy who I fell in love with all those years ago and loved more each day since then – he’s loving, gentle, kind, respectful, faithful, truthful, sensitive, honourable, compassionate, spiritual, intelligent, honouring...the list goes on. I love him so much, I KNOW he’s a good person. I don’t want to lose that person. How can I not love and trust this man? He is a good man, I’m sure of it.
But on the other hand there’s this guy who is controlled by his body to the point where he regularly masturbates over pictures and movies of other people in explicit and demeaning situations – he doesn’t seem to want or even try to control his urges! He’ll use porn in preference to getting intimate with me…and he doesn’t see anything wrong with this! How can I love and trust this man? Is he addicted, is that why porn controls him like it does?
It seems he can’t wait for me to go out of the house, can’t wait for some time alone with his computer. He avoids family stuff because he’s “too tired” or “has a lot of work to do”…so I will be killing myself to look after our family, our house, our relationship and he will be using the time I’m spending on him and others to look at porn. We’ll make dates to have time together…but he’s usually too “tired and stressed”. But I know he’d have been looking at porn all afternoon while I was working, instead of getting work done himself to be free for our date.
I know all this because now I’m this miserable, lonely, paranoid person, who checks his internet history every chance I get. I’m jealous, controlling, emotional, suspicious. I hate to leave him alone to go shopping or go to bed early or watch tv without him. I can’t even take a shower in peace without knowing what he’ll be looking at as long as he can hear the water running. Even when I don’t check his computer, I still KNOW when he’s been looking: he acts differently, he looks different, he just seems…different. He pushes me away emotionally, puts barriers up, won’t talk to me.
Who can I turn to? I can’t tell my friends, my family – they might judge him for being a pervert and I don’t want to give him that label…or maybe they’d judge me, for being a prude!
I feel like an uptight freak, alone in the world.
My world is crumbling, and I am lost.
I am confused, I am in pain.
I love him, I hate this.
What will it take for me to be all he needs?
I don’t know how to cope with this any more. I’m completely in the dark. I feel numb and broken, and I don’t know how to feel right again. I can’t sleep, I can’t relax – I’ve been awake for days now. I want to lash out physically, emotionally and mentally and hurt him so badly. I simply cannot even begin to fathom how to reconcile the different parts of him with the different parts of me any more. I don’t know how to go on.
I don’t want to back out of our relationship. I made a vow, and I want to stick to it no matter what. But he has broken his vow. Our marriage is built on a lie. Do I really know this man? His reliance on porn is tearing me apart, breaking my heart and shattering my world. I feel like I hate him sometimes…and in doing so I am hating myself, killing myself with my anger, because he is a part of me. Why am I in this position? I want to scream “it’s not fair” and make him give a damn – but there’s no point, he doesn't listen. I feel like I’m drowning in my misery. I can’t live like this. Surely there is a way through this?
He is a husband, a father, a lover, a friend. Why will he not step into these roles and leave the porn that threatens them…does he really not want to be part of this family unit?! I am his wife, wanting to restore fidelity and respect for the sanctity of our marriage, willing to do almost anything to help him…and yet he doesn’t seem interested in me or our relationship.
Do I give him one more chance before I leave? Before I go insane?
I love him. I hate this. I am becoming numb.
I have no one to talk to, I have nothing left in me to give.
I hate who I have become. I cannot continue to live like this.
What do I do now?
Where do I turn?
The source of the problem, the internet…maybe there is help here as well?
Through The Flame - Stop internet porn addiction – Get help in overcoming porn addiction
I am not alone, we CAN get through this!
See also:
'Through the Flame' Online Forums Support People Recovering from Porn Addiction
Now Showing at Amazing.net: The War on Relationships (explicit)
Amazing.net is jealous of your human relationships.
It wants your attention and money for itself. With messages subtle or not, its movies encourage you to neglect and abuse your intimate partners, especially your female ones. If you must relate to another human, Amazing.net wants the experience to be exploitative, short and unstable, to better ensure your swift return to a porn-hungry state. These strategies appear to be working. At a 2003 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, two-thirds of the 350 divorce lawyers who attended said Internet porn contributed to more than half of the divorce cases they handled...
Grudge
Man. Woman. The eternal struggle. Grudge. Hold one today. The first look. The approach. The conversation. The tease. The first kiss. Sex. Love? The commitment. You move in together. Sex every day in every room in every position. Life. Work. Soon the sex becomes routine a part of life. Then it becomes work. Until that new first look. That new tease. But with a new person. And what to do with the old? Four people fall into love. But do they stay... or do they stray?
Married, Yes... Dead No
Harry and Annie are newlyweds. But Annie has a sexy secret she is keeping from her husband.. Shes a nymphomaniac! When Harry goes to a party at a friends house who does he discover is the entertainment? His lovely new wife and twoof her sexy friends! Fun for all is the order of the day!
Screw My Wife 32: And Make Her Sweat Like A Pig
Letting somebody else screw your wife means more TV time for you! Oh and make her sweat like a pig please!
Screw My Wife Please #35 - She's So Naughty
Why go to all of the hassle of foreplay and having to make love to your wife when you can sit back watch some porn studs nail your wife and jerk off to your heart's content!
Screw My Wife Please #53
She gets an orgasm from a professional... You don't have to cuddle... It's a win win situation!
Now on Sale at Amazing.net (explicit language)
Deviant Housewives
In this world nothing lasts forever and it looks like Kelly Erikson's husband Van needs some space. Kelly decides to invite all her friends going thru the same problems to stay and support each other. But all of Kelly's friends have an empty void in their lives they need filled and it's from a younger man!...
The Impact of Internet Pornography on Marriage and the Family: A Review of the Research
...according to data from the General Social Survey in 2000 (N = 531), people who report being happily married are 61 percent less likely to report using Internet pornography compared to those who also used the Internet and who had completed the General Social Survey in 2000...
Whitty (2003) also found that both men and women perceive online sexual activity as an act of betrayal that is as authentic and real as offline acts and that Internet pornography use correlated significantly with emotional infidelity (N = 1,117; 468 males and 649 females)...
Porn Use Correlates with Infidelity, Prostitution, Aggression, Rape-Supportive Beliefs
In 2004, researchers also reported in Social Science Quarterly that "Individuals who have had an extramarital affair are 3.18 times more likely to have used Internet pornography than individuals who did not have affairs."
Infidelity: A Widespread Practice with Lasting Harm; Promoted by Adult Enterprises
Recent surveys have estimated that as many as six in 10 married couples have had at least one unfaithful partner...
...the agonies of infidelity are universal: the humiliation of having one's private life exposed; the fear that infidelity will happen again; the loss of trust that takes years to restore...
"Flashbacks can go on for years and years..."
"People need to understand," [Yale University psychologist Janis Abrahms] Spring says, "that it takes a good year and a half after the affair has been revealed and contact with the object of that affair has been terminated for the anguish and the anger to subside. During that time, the couple has to expect a roller coaster ride of emotions...
Survey: Faithfulness is the No. 1 Key to Making a Marriage Work (explicit language)
On July 1, the Pew Research Center released a detailed survey about American attitudes towards marriage and childraising. What particularly caught our eye was what the public believes is key to making a marriage work--faithfulness tops the charts, with over 90% saying it's "very important to a successful marriage".
"Spousal Use of Pornography and Its Clinical Significance for Asian-American Women"
Abusive Relationships and Porn: The Similarities (explicit language)
Effects of Prolonged Consumption of Pornography on Family Values; Women's Desire to Have Daughters Plummets
Pornography consumption had a most powerful effect on evaluations of the desirability and viability of marriage. Endorsement of marriage as an essential institution dropped from 60.0% in the control groups to 38.8% in the treatment groups...
A Review of Pornified: How Pornography Is Damaging Our Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families
Many of Paul's interview subjects said porn use made them more judgmental of their real-life sex partners. One thrice-divorced 34-year-old subject, who had been watching porn since age 10, said that he would break up with any woman who wouldn't give him the kind of pleasure he saw men getting in porn films. If the woman takes too long to reach orgasm, or doesn't enjoy swallowing semen, she's history. (pp.92-93) Other young men said they wanted their girlfriends to be "slutty" and submissive. (p.94)
Influence of Porn on Sex Practices: Dispatches from the Field (explicit language)
Jezebel is a busy website devoted to "Celebrity, Sex, Fashion. Without airbrushing". It's a Gawker property and hardly a bastion of anti-porn sentiment. Here are excerpts from a December 12 post, "How About You Don't Ask To Come On My Face On The First Date?", followed by selected comments from Jezebel readers...
Sarahmc: Men are so focussed on what's happening in porn, they are no longer able to get hot over the living, breathing woman right in front of them. Porn has completely skewed men's expectations of sex, of women, of relationships...
My Boyfriend Loves Porn - What Should I Do?
You do not want to marry a porn addict and then suffer the consequences for years to come.
Testimony in Minneapolis: Porn and the Death Spiral of a Marriage
About this time, when we went out we started meeting his friends at wet T-shirt contests, amateur strip nights or elsewhere--we would meet together as a group--or pornographic adult theaters or live sex shows. Initially I started arguing that the women on stage looked very devastated, like they were disgusted and hated it. I felt devastated and disgusted watching it. I was told by those men, if I wasn't as smart as I was, and if I would be more sexually liberated and more sexy, that I would get along a lot better in the world, and that they and a lot of other men would like me more...
Following this, we would have incredible arguments with each other. I would tell him I loved him, I only wanted to love him, I wanted to be a good wife, I wanted our marriage to work, but I didn't want to be with these other people. It was he I wanted to be with, and no one else. He told me if I loved him I would do this. And that, as I could see from the things that he read me in the magazines initially, a lot of times women didn't like it, but if I tried it enough I would probably like it, and I would learn to like it. And he would read me stories where women learned to like it.
Statement of Rev. Susan Wilhelm: "...the sex became especially abusive after he started using pornography" (explicit language)
Laurie Hall, An Affair of the Mind
Over the years, I've spoken with other women who have had similar experiences. They tried extra hard to be attractive to their husbands; but the year-after-year battering of constant comparisons with other women and the continual attack on their desirability as a sexual partner wounded their spirits to such a point that they gave up and became the exact opposite of the firm, gorgeous, beautifully made-up women their husbands kept trying to force them to become. Ironic, isn't it, how pornography creates the exact opposite in real life of what it promises in fantasy life?
Young New Yorkers Talk about Porn's Effect on their Relationships (explicit language)
“I think it will be really rare, and hopefully it will happen, that I can meet a guy who will be happy with only me.”
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