“Singles Expert”: Partner Objects to Porn? Sneak It When She’s Not Around

There are wise advice columnists, and then there are others. Don Diebel, “Americas #1 Singles Expert”, advises men to conceal their porn use from a mate until they can assess her attitude towards it. If she doesn’t like it, says Don, sneak it when she’s not around

My focus this week is on pornography. You need to be aware that a lot of single women are offended by pornography and think it is demeaning to women, causes moral decay, rape, prostitution, etc.

So, to be on the safe side…keep your porno out of sight until you get to know a woman better and her viewpoints on pornography, sex toys, etc.

If she has nothing against pornography then you don’t have to be so discreet. But, if she is dead set against porno even after you have established a serious relationship, just keep your stuff hidden (you can always break it out when she’s not around).

This advice from Samantha Thompson seems more sound, if your goal is a long and happy marriage…

Communication is a key element of a happy marriage all the time… Communicate your thoughts and feelings…

Trust is another key element in a happy and successful marriage. When trust is not present the future of the marriage appears dim. Trust is something that needs to be maintained…

Honesty is another very important marriage staple. Always be honest with your spouse. Lies only create trouble…

Compromise is also very important…

Meeting in the middle can be done once you understand where your spouse is coming from and once they realize where you are coming from. Marriage isn’t about one spouse being happy or the other being happy. It’s about both spouses being happy together. Compromise often.

See also:

Schwyzer on Porn: “The pursuit of everlasting novelty is the enemy of actual relationship”

The pursuit of everlasting novelty is the enemy of actual relationship.
Real relationships are built on a very different premise from porn —
the notion that what is really sexy is not “new skin” but radical
connection with one other person. Porn
says that happiness is found by having the same experience over and
over again with lots of different women; true eros says that happiness
is found by having different experiences over and over again with the
same person.

no one, no one, no one, can just “compartmentalize, disconnect, and come back.”
Many men think they do so with impunity, but it’s the consensus of both
the theologians and the marriage and family therapists that no good
life can be lived well in compartments. We are called to
wholeness, Ethan; men — all men, even in their late teens in the throes
of lust — are capable of matching their desires, their behavior, their
hearts.
Is it easy? Heck no. But is it possible? Yes. Is it desirable? You bet it is…

Voice Male: “Intimacy and Porn: A Contradiction in Terms”
“I am not suggesting that porn be outlawed. I am advocating that men
examine our relationship with porn more seriously. I stopped using porn
because I’m committed to being the best lover I can, and porn doesn’t
support that. There is better sexual software in my own imagination, as
well as in enlightened approaches to sex found in Tantra, Taoism, and
every male heart. It’s ironic: throwing away that milk crate full of
magazines ended up being a giant step toward my true sexual liberation.”

Rabbi Shmuley Boteach: “All are deeply destructive images that erode male respect for women”
Pornography depicts women not only as sleazy and vulgar, but as greedy
and parasitical. The porn watcher never forgets that the women who are
stripping for him are doing so for cash. He concludes, therefore, that
there is nothing women aren’t prepared to do for money…

For married men, excessive exposure to a variety of naked, female
bodies contributes to the penchant of men to feel permanently
dissatisfied with their wives…

When compared to the porn ‘stars,’ their own wives become ordinary.
When a man sees his wife’s naked body, the trained eye that he has
cultivated will be immediately drawn to her flaws rather then her
beauty. Not only does this lead to the degradation of his wife, but it
also hinders his ability to find satisfaction…

“Spousal Use of Pornography and Its Clinical Significance for Asian-American Women”
Many female participants in the study by Bridges et al. (2003) noted a
diminution in their partner’s sexual desire for them and believed that
their partners had come to prefer the pornographic models to them…
They reported a decline in the intimacy of their relationship, a
diminished sense of their partner’s commitment to them, strong feelings
that their partners failed utterly to respect them or understand their
emotional distress concerning the pornography, and lastly, a sense that
they were living a shameful lie by presenting themselves to others as a
loving and committed couple… More often than not, the woman blames
herself for losing her partner to his pornographic interest. She
believes that if she were a ‘good’ enough woman, she would have been
able to keep her husband’s attentions and affections and her loss would
never have occurred…

I Was a ‘Self-Esteem Vampire’: A Woman’s Journey Out of Watching Porn (explicit language)
It was only after I pushed the pornography from my life that I was able
to feel good about myself. It was only then that I began to be able to
be honest about the things that I liked and didn’t like. My husband
didn’t like it. He raged at me, angry that I would ‘suddenly’ take away
‘his right’, that I would do such an about-face…

My Boyfriend Loves Porn – What Should I Do?
Women internalize the man viewing porn as if there was something wrong
with them. It is not true. You are fine… You appear wise by not
wanting this in your life. I would be highly cautious having a
relationship [with] this man if porn has been such a part of his
life… You do not want to marry a porn addict and then suffer the
consequences for years to come.

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